Well, here I am again. Still awake 40 minutes after midnight, basking in scraps of happiness I've got left from Larkin's visit. A day, today, with some negative events, but it turned out alright at the end.
At four or so, Larkin was freed from the chaos of her unstable household as well as the doctor's office (Larkin felt a lymph infection coming on, so she went down to see the nice men in labcoats and get a syringe in her salivary glands- traumatizing shit), so we decided to go out for a nice walk in the backwoods- some new, recently discovered area she'd been wanting to show me. As it was a long walk from our typical parking spot to this new woodland hideout, we went down a half a mile or so and parked in a grassy alcove on the side of the road. Unsure of the legality of this move, Larkin turned the wheels sideways and pulled the parking brake up. The stubborn mechanical bastard didn't go up all the way, and became stuck- as well as the ignition. So we were stuck in the hellish humid heat, keys wouldn't turn, brakes wouldn't let off. I've gotta have my dad look at her car. After a nervous breakdown and an assessment of our situation, I resolved to do the most grunty, manly, simple and stupid thing to fix the situation- pull. Thank the heavenly bodies I work out with Shawn and Sterling- the damn thing came loose and went back down, and after a shriek, a rain dance, and a few blood sacrifices from Larkin and I, the ignition in the poor van turned, and we felt secure enough in the working order of our vehicle to go hiking. After climbing a tree or two, we headed back to Larkin's to cool down, and then to Little Japon for some spicy tuna.
Good sushi, that. Rob and Amy stopped by after seeing the flaming van to chat with us. We finished eating, Larkin constructed a swastika out of wasabi and shrimp tails, and headed over to Starbucks to meet our movie crew. But, despite the invitation from the guys to go see X2 (a-fucking-gain, it would've been the third time for me), Larkin and I bailed out to go rest at my place. After being mixed up in parental arguments, painful medical treatments, and annoying-as-hell car troubles in 98% humidity 96 degree weather, Larkin was pretty emotionally drained, and was unable to be the witty, sociable creature she usually is. I'm glad we came back. I seem to be able to help Larkin out a lot with what troubles her, and besides, I'd seen the movie too many times anyway (and Kevin Che irritates me).
But like I said, the day ended well- Larkin's spirit was renewed and we were able to talk normally and tell really bad jokes to each other as we usually do. I enjoy our company together, no matter what we do. I care not if she becomes homeless, diagnosed with a terminal illness, or emotionally unstable due to family matters. I love her as I've never loved anything before, and the last thing I'll do to her is leave her to cry herself to sleep in her car. Hell, if all I have to do is keep Larkin happy and cheer her up once in awhile, then my life has become a dream.
So I haven't mentioned this to anyone but Larkin, but I'm considering becoming a Satanist. After reading quite a bit about the whole doctrine, I've become very interested in it, and ordered a copy of Anton Szander LaVey's Satanist's Bible. John's become a devil-worshipper, has he? No, that's not it. Whatever ignorant, devout Christian bible thumping readers I may have bailed out on me several sentences ago. Modern Satanism isn't about eating babies or blood sacrifices. It's about common fucking sense. It's about creating a new justice system that doesn't make humans feel guilty for having fun just because God says fun isn't allowed. It's about worshipping the self. It's about Satan, but not as a little red devil with a pitchfork, as a symbol for humans and their "sinful" ways. It's about abolishing ignorance and useless prayer, and bigotry. I'll tell you what it's not about- it is definitely not about falling back on 2000 year-old scripture to define a way of life, and I quote,
"The Satanist realizes that man, and the action and reaction of the universe, is responsible for everything, and doesn't mislead himself into thinking that someone cares. No longer will we sit back and accept 'fate' without doing anything about it, just because it says so in Chapter such and such, Psalm so and so- and that's that!"
Very, very sensible shit, so far. Of course, there are rituals, and just like Paganism or Wicca, it attracts fickle teenagers that just like to do magic tricks. But as I discuss this with Larkin, I take her advice and realize that all religions need a physical activity of some sort to reinforce their doctrines, whether it be collecting money for a fundraiser, or calling upon Lucifer for advice! It all comes together. The illusion of divine intervention, and the religion that's about everything except that.
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