I've never really performed in front of people like I did tonight with the barbershop quintet. Usually I'm hiding behind a crowd of people when I sing. But it was a lot of fun. People really went crazy. It was strange, I'm not used to so much public anything, but so many people told me that it was awesome afterwards. And besides that, I'm hot as fire. "This one goes out to all the ladies." I can't believe I actually did that.

we don't talk much; we don't see much people.

Prom will be remarkably inexpensive for me this year, especially compared to the extravagant expenditures of other unlucky males. Not only am I not in a group romanticizing ridiculously overrated luxuries such as obnoxious Hummer limousines or beachhouse trips to local carcinogen-infused bodies of water, but I am only coughing up half the money I'd be paying if I actually had a date. I still don't know where we're going to eat though. It must be someplace epic. Anyone have suggestions?

Have you ever made too much oatmeal? I always make too much oatmeal, and then I force myself to eat it and make myself sick. It's such a good breakfast, but I always chop up huge apples and other fruits in the mixture and the end result is just so much mass. It's just that it would be a terrible waste to eat it, despite the fact that I nearly missed the bus today trying to get my java and oats all lined up. Speaking of coffee, I have really, really good Columbian Supremo right now. I actually think I enjoy it more than the Hawaiian stuff we usually get. The Columbian is just so damn strong.

Mmm. Triphop. I wish I had this place to myself because I'd sit on the couch all night drinking tea and listening to this. Tasty.

~windmill windmill for the land

I went to Klein's religion symposium today. It wasn't an awful event, but I think some presentations could be better. The Jewish and Islamic programs were real sharp. I didn't really learn anything about Christianity, the Mormons, Sikhism, or Buddhism that I didn't already know, but I've gotta say that it was truly embarrassing to hear the deeply intriguing metaphysical lecture given by the Class of '08 Ambassadors of Atheism. Ugh.

I appreciated the distinction between agnosticism and the hard stuff. The fact that the kid knew Lucretius and Epicureus was cool too. And, granted, I didn't expect this debate to be an intellectual conference of the highest tier or anything ("why y'all gotta be all up on holy wars?" and "how can god exist if there's so much evil in the world?"), but I'm sorry--if you can't defend your beliefs, don't flaunt them. The two kids ran out of stuff after somebody asked them what kind of meaning life has if you look forward to no afterlife. I am actually really depressed that I hadn't known about this sooner, because I would've represented atheists had I the oppurtunity.

I would've mentioned that no two atheists are alike, or that there's not exactly a global coalition of antichristian militants that meets every Sunday afternoon to engage in sterile chitters over the origin of the electron. I might have said something about those who are genuine humanists and need no God to serve, divine purpose to fulfill, or promise of immortality to find meaning or passion in their life. I work to better myself and to just enjoy my life, after all. The speakers mentioned that atheists aren't necessarily immoral people but the language they used made it seem as though they were being self-contradictory. They didn't delve further into why you don't need religion to be a decent human being and thus made us look pretty freaking lame.

It's not that I pretend to know the origin of the universe. It's not even that I believe all the logical speculation that's out there (though I admit, it fascinates me and a lot of it is plausible given obvious astrophysical evidence). It's just that I'm one of those guys that, if he doesn't know what the hell answer to bubble in on the test, chooses the simplest one. I'd rather blame the whole thing on pure reason than attribute all of existence to some divine consciousness. It's like that Joan of Arc movie--of all the possible likely explanations for there to be a sword lying in a field, that nutcase decided it had descended from the heavens, awash with the light of God, intended by His Divine Will to be a symbol of justice. You know what I mean? It's not that I know where it all comes from. No one does, not really. Not even the most fervent Creationists. It's just that you can pretty much rule out the most outlandish ideas and look at the simpler explanations.

I am angry because I had a really nice paragraph here and I pushed the hyperlink button and it was deleted. I will attempt to reconstruct it.

Someone asked me today why I would adhere to a philosophy so guaranteed to leave me with nothing at the end of my life. I thought about it, and, well, of course it would be more cheerful if I held the belief that I'll be taken care of after I die, that I am an immortal part of a Creation so grand that our petty civilization is utterly incapable of fathoming its eternal glory. But I don't buy it. I can't. It's an antiquated and romantic conclusion left over from when we hadn't the ability to look further than our own little speck of dust. Even if it looks worse in the big picture for myself, I can't just believe something because the advertisements look nice. More likely, the simpler explanation that we're just here and nobody's in charge is what I'd bubble in on my scantron. And really, I think it's my duty as a sentient being to acknowledge the fact that it's probably true. It would be mockery in the face of the universe if I deluded myself to feel better about death. To be honest, that's easier for me to accept anyway. I'm more in awe of the place knowing there's nobody behind it.

mr. merlot

I am kind of sick. I called my employer today to tell him I couldn't work due to this sickness (and also because I fucked up the tendons in the back of my left knee working too hard the other day, it feels like I've got tendonitis or some shit), so he got some other people to do the work I was supposed to do, and supposedly he was all pissed when he came over to get the box of doorhangers. I was at school, so I was not witness to this. But I think I spoke pretty clearly when I said I felt like hell. I don't get paid enough to trudge around in the sun sick and sore, and considering I've worked my ass off since day one, being honest all the while, if he all of a sudden takes me for a lying slacker, then he can find somebody else to throw his little advertisements around. In some parts of this country people would call it barbaric to get paid seven dollars an hour for the stuff I do. But I'm a just a job-by-job contractor, technically, so it's pointless to complain since I can leave anytime I want. And I don't really need that job, though having references is nice. But if he thinks I'll lie ungratefully just to take some time off then fuck him. I happen to pride myself in working hard and I don't like to be taken for a quitter.

*growl*

I had a nice evening! Despite sore throat, bronchitis, and difficulty walking, I hung out with a few friends at Starbucks and caffeinated myself to a masochistic degree. I figure it will either imbue me with superhuman healing powers, thus enabling me to get back to work sooner, or just cause me to lose sleep.

Which I need. Sleep. I don't have to work this weekend, thank god. If anyone wants to do some stuff I think I'll be around, as long as I'm not sick anymore.

Your Inner European is Italian!

Passionate and colorful. You show the world what culture really is.

Who's Your Inner European?

D.C. was something lovely. Cherry trees in full bloom, gorgeous weather, amazing sights, and my pictures came out beautifully for the most part. The only bummer was that I got sick as hell in the middle of it all, but the place was too cool to let that get me down. I'll discuss it more in detail when I've got the time and energy. This week we've got the mornings off, so tomorrow I'm going to start working in the morning, then going to school, then working when I get back home. I missed five days so I kinda need to catch up.

In other news, I've finally laid my hands on a paid photo shoot. I was away in Washington when they called my mom about it, and I was taking a six-hour nap today when they called to give more details, so all I know is that it's on the West side of town at some mall, it's 70 dollars an hour, and it's for Fox News. I really don't know what the hell I'm doing this Thursday other than that. It's going to be early in the morning, too.

secrets, intrigue, peanut butter cookies

Nice company is truly invaluable on a lonely Tuesday night.

I can't wait to get away from everything in D.C. I know it's going to be a really chaotic trip but it's going to be such a vacation for me. I get to have continuous human contact so I don't have to be sitting at home alone, or hating my job while telling myself its better than being a grocery sacker, or wasting away in the mediocrity of highschool while reading The Mote in God's Eye.

UIL was today. I think our set was allright but the sightreading was the most horrible thing on the face of the planet. I don't think I'm being pretentious, but screw it if I am, because I sang loud so the basses wouldn't suck. I'm not a phenomenal singer--I'm no John Gallagher but while I didn't make it past Pre-Area auditions this year, I did get a 59 out of 60 on the sightreading at that event, so I know what I am doing. Mr.Raddin looked like he was having a nervous breakdown at the end of the piece, so it must've sounded even worse from his perspective. Poor guy. I think I'll be pissed if we get second division sightreading too. People ought to know what the hell they're doing after all that practice.

Hell yeah! Me and Sterling did 600 pounds on the leg press tonight. Badass.

I am so damn ready to just get on the plane to Washington. And yes, I passed my classes. Not English, but it's waivable, so, you know, fuck it. All I need to do is raise the average to graduate. Mary scared the living shit out of me today though when she said it would only be waived if it were a 60-70 and I had, like, a 56 in there because I don't do shit. Sue me.

Choir UIL is tomorrow evening, which I conveniently forgot about, so I probably just won't do any work at all when I get home from school.

It's funny how after I finish a huge amount of work for someone, I get a call asking for the same thing done for someone else. So much for a break. But I get to escape to Washington, D.C. on Thursday anyway, so it's cool.

I was at the Willowbrook mall yesterday for informal modeling. It was nearly unbearable, and if you've ever seen an event like that, you'll know why--models just stand on platforms at 20-minute intervals wearing goofy "stylish" clothing. I did six of those intervals, just standing utterly still in the middle of the Goddamn food court, for free. Never again. The life span of my lumbar region is worth more than that.

we drift deeper

Yay, I'm passing all my classes! I was slowly growing more and more paranoid about it this year until today when I found out I've got an 80 in government, an 82 in psych, and whatever I have in German is passing. There wasn't really any way I could've failed, I was just kind of in an irrational fear of losing about a thousand dollars.

Ran a mile today at the gym. It was the first time I've run there, and really the first time I've jogged much at all in a long time. I think I'm going to make a habit of it because it will probably help me out with my job to have more stamina. Even with all that walking, I don't have a lot of cardiovascular strength, and I'm going to fix that. I've got the strength training shit down, so now I can work on endurance. Grunt!

I kind of want to go to javajazz Saturday night. Julie's band is playing and so is Erika's, and I've never heard either before but it'd be kind of cool since I know them. Anybody want to go?

Fuck, I think I'm just going to show up at fifth period tomorrow.

Pre-Washington concert tonight wasn't too bad. I could've done with a bottle of water or something, and less wool clothing (it was so damn hot onstage that some girl nearly fainted), but I can't complain much--pre-UIL was a lot worse. I kind of missed one of those big long low notes in a song because my throat was all dried out, which was a strange experience; when I really hit a note like that full voice, a low D flat, I instantly feel like I am the only person singing in the choir. I swear to god, the resonance of that note through my bones makes me impervious to any other sound, regardless of the fact that I'm in the midst of some flamboyant first sopranos. When it really works, I feel kind of proud but kind of dumb at the same time because essentially all I hear is this long foghorn noise and despite the fact that I'm one of few who can do it, I'm really unsure if it even sounds remotely like music anyway, kind of like the guy in your dorm room who can dislocate both his shoulders and knees and walk like an ostrich--it's uncommon, and certainly impressive in a way, but not terribly close to fine art.

I don't have to write much about this because it should be obvious why it's a bad thing: the power of the filibuster in Congress is one of the things that upholds the constitutional--as well as natural--law which states that the will of the majority cannot be used to repress the rights of the minority. One of the judicial nominees blocked from being voted upon is quoted by Sen. Charles Schumer as saying that "God's gift to white people was slavery." Nice.

Oppose the "nuclear option" being proposed. It's absolutely terrifying to think of Congress as a big stamp for appointing right-wing nutcase justices. I mean, no matter what end of the political spectrum you're on, it's kind of easy to see that 51% is NOT A MANDATE.

Tomorrow I'm wearing my John Kerry shirt.

Whoa, so like, my new camera is really nice. It took some really great pictures today which I got developed, and all I need to do is get better at focusing/adjusting shutter speed and stuff. I've always kind of wanted to take up photography...

Tomorrow is pre-Washington concert day! Woo. It will be much better than stupid pre-UIL.

I worked out tonight and benched 200 pounds/leg pressed 500. Pretty freakin' sweet. There's this big Mexican guy there who's all hardcore and he's giving me great workout tips; increasing resistance by holding weights for a second rather than lifting them with full range of motion really fast, etc. V. helpful. He also related to Sterling and I that he really has a thing for redheads and that lots of hot, sexy redheads live a block away from him, and he sees many at the Engine Room sometimes. His advice to both of us was that you "have to go all the way with the redheads". Nice.

I also made some really good whole wheat bread today, thus dispelling the myth related to me that bread made with just wheat flour is all hard or something. I didn't really ever buy it, but now I know for sure that I can kick ass without boring white flour. My bread has chopped walnuts and oats in it, yo.

I forgot to mention. I have a new camera. It is a Mamiya 528AL 35mm with automatic f-stop control (but you can do everything manually if you want). I really enjoy it so far, though I need to use up this roll of film to see if it actually takes a decent picture. The light seal may very well be gone, thus rendering the camera useless until repaired, but I hope it's okay, because I really like it. It's all heavy and metallic and chrome and you actually have to think to use it unlike all these modern automatic cameras.

Guh, school tomorrow. I feel like staying up all night with a bunch of coffee because sleep might yield scary/senseless dreams. I dreamt yesterday during my catnap that Sterling was driving me around on the freeway, and that was just plain scary.

I gotta go eat some stuff.

I also gotta bake wheat bread tomorrow.