I had a shitty day today. Not good at all. It was almost refreshing as I have not had one of those in quite awhile.

I learned this morning that there was apparently a chamber choir runout yesterday at 4:30, the Robare's private party in fact, and I missed it. Out of sheer forgetfulness and irresponsibility, I actually had no idea that this runout was taking place. From what I hear, Mr.Raddin sang with chamber and was really kind of stressed out, because Sterling also didn't show up.

I felt awful all day about the damn thing and went by the choir room to look for Mr.Raddin to apologize, but couldn't find him until fifth. Afterward class I mentioned some menial pitch problem to him (to be honest, it was also bugging the hell out of me) and then told him that I really had no excuse for the whole thing, that I completely forgot, and that I was really profusely ashamed about it. I was. He just said, "It happens to the best of us."

In my three and a half years in this choir, I have not once turned in a gold form, been unable to go to some choir function where I was needed, or "forgotten" completely about a performance, the only exception being spring trip last year where I fucked up my life by failing a class. I'm not saying that to make myself look good or make it seem like I deserve to screw up. That's not how it works.

My point is that while I don't really give a damn about my grades and constantly hurt myself through my own irresponsibility or incompetence or whatever, I don't really care about that. It's when I hurt someone else through that kind of thing that I hate myself relentlessly for it. I cannot bear to let a man like Mr.Raddin down because one of the things I most solidly try to live by is that I really ought to honor my committments. Screwing something like that up shouldn't happen to the best of us and I care about being a reliable person.