Today I gave my handshakehug (the male gesture which starts out callous and strong and allows for an acceptable amount of emotion to slip through) to Mr.Raddin and walked out the choir room for the last time, unless I visit, and I might not be on vacation in this place when high school is in session.

I felt the fullness of that loss as I left, finally; I'll most likely never belong to a musical organization again unless I get pastry chefs together to sing Billy Joel, and leaving choir truly symbolized my letting go of possibly the most necessary crutch I've leaned on since the start of high school. It has been my one constant, my relief from whatever petty struggles I've had to deal with, social or academic, and a release of my emotions. It's true--no matter what I have come up against, I have been able to clear my mind completely for an hour of Mozart or Tomas Luis de Victoria whether the lyric means anything at all to me or not. I'm not sure how honest I sounded at choir banquet when I spoke to everyone of the effect music and the people I have met have had on my life, but I am able to have a little more faith in civilization whenever I sing an Ave Maria or a Cantate Domino, or even see the way people enjoy an old barbershop tune. Our suburban middle class lives are so sheltered from the harshness of what real human nature has turned the image of the world into, and that is a beautiful and terrible fact. The petty curse of our race to fight unto utter obliteration is more abundant and far less black-and-white than we can possibly understand by watching news clips of the clean and precise war machines--abstract as much as they are cold steel--that our sad ingenuity has given birth to, but my friends, keep singing and let us be true to one another, because if I have learned one thing of the world in comparison with my life, it is that we are here as on a darkling plain.

I recognize now that since I don't have choir to take refuge in every single day, I will truly rely on my own strength. I'm going to have to face whatever is thrown at me on the spot, not leave it at the door for awhile to bellow at my problems in low baritone . I'm going to have to find time for my friends (both now and when I move) amongst work and class, not fall back on that which is scheduled by the authority I ironically seek to escape from.

Despite all that the art we created meant to me and all the effort I put into it, I was astounded to learn at banquet that I'd been voted Outstanding (male) Musician. It was very heartwarming to be recognized as such at the end of it all; it is an understatement to say that the average Klein Choir member is fundamentally different from me on several tiers--there are very many I haven't even really ever spoken to--but to be accepted as a contributor, as one who respects the meaning of such a pursuit was flattering.

I can't help but hope that some weird kid with a deep voice joins the gang next year to give forth some optional notes like none other.