bout damn time

I came up with something kind of good on some livejournal comment--Kara had written a long essay on human struggle among other things:

Despite the common teaching of history, it's true that humanity simply exists as a vain cycle of conflict and peace. The only thing you can truly call "progress" is the fact that each time we go through another cycle, we fall harder. From the Crusades to the Civil War to Hiroshima and the Holocaust, and who the hell knows what will happen next. The only thing that changes about we humans is the size and quantity of our weapons--the fact that the U.S. has a nuclear arsenal that could obliterate the polar ice caps is never questioned even through our hypocritical crusade against nuclear proliferation. The problem with science is that it holds the keys to the universe as well as the path to our destruction.

I think that through it all we are moving towards an end to the petty doom we're destined for, but I also believe that we'll be gone before we ever get close to the solution. It kind of sucks.

On a lighter note, I graduated from high school the other day. The ceremony was well-organized but a little silly as I expected. I'm just not much for tradition, but it's nice to finally hold my certificate for four years of diluted existence. Now I can finally get cookin'. I'm most likely out of here July 5th. I may have a party toward the end of June.

Today I gave my handshakehug (the male gesture which starts out callous and strong and allows for an acceptable amount of emotion to slip through) to Mr.Raddin and walked out the choir room for the last time, unless I visit, and I might not be on vacation in this place when high school is in session.

I felt the fullness of that loss as I left, finally; I'll most likely never belong to a musical organization again unless I get pastry chefs together to sing Billy Joel, and leaving choir truly symbolized my letting go of possibly the most necessary crutch I've leaned on since the start of high school. It has been my one constant, my relief from whatever petty struggles I've had to deal with, social or academic, and a release of my emotions. It's true--no matter what I have come up against, I have been able to clear my mind completely for an hour of Mozart or Tomas Luis de Victoria whether the lyric means anything at all to me or not. I'm not sure how honest I sounded at choir banquet when I spoke to everyone of the effect music and the people I have met have had on my life, but I am able to have a little more faith in civilization whenever I sing an Ave Maria or a Cantate Domino, or even see the way people enjoy an old barbershop tune. Our suburban middle class lives are so sheltered from the harshness of what real human nature has turned the image of the world into, and that is a beautiful and terrible fact. The petty curse of our race to fight unto utter obliteration is more abundant and far less black-and-white than we can possibly understand by watching news clips of the clean and precise war machines--abstract as much as they are cold steel--that our sad ingenuity has given birth to, but my friends, keep singing and let us be true to one another, because if I have learned one thing of the world in comparison with my life, it is that we are here as on a darkling plain.

I recognize now that since I don't have choir to take refuge in every single day, I will truly rely on my own strength. I'm going to have to face whatever is thrown at me on the spot, not leave it at the door for awhile to bellow at my problems in low baritone . I'm going to have to find time for my friends (both now and when I move) amongst work and class, not fall back on that which is scheduled by the authority I ironically seek to escape from.

Despite all that the art we created meant to me and all the effort I put into it, I was astounded to learn at banquet that I'd been voted Outstanding (male) Musician. It was very heartwarming to be recognized as such at the end of it all; it is an understatement to say that the average Klein Choir member is fundamentally different from me on several tiers--there are very many I haven't even really ever spoken to--but to be accepted as a contributor, as one who respects the meaning of such a pursuit was flattering.

I can't help but hope that some weird kid with a deep voice joins the gang next year to give forth some optional notes like none other.

I woke up this morning kind of late, and realized that there was absolutely no point in going to school at all. I sat around and played Navy Field some instead, got a lot of work done, and watched A New Hope.

By the way, Star Wars was good. Yeah, a lot of the acting/dialogue was so bad it was funny, but I could not help but feel a sense of peace with the world now that the saga is complete. I mean, seeing them snap that mask on the charred remnants of Anakin's face and hearing him take that first sinister breath, watching the battles and seeing the tragedy unfold as all the Jedi are massacred, seeing so many subtle things recreated (Senator Organa's ship, the perfect scene on Tattooine with the twin suns and the little hut, all the useless buttons and white lights in the Star Destroyers or in Vader's little chestbox that make the whole set look like some kind of old synthesizer) so expertly was epic. I am on a Star Wars binge right now and I am going to have to watch The Empire Strikes Back tomorrow.

OMFG STAR WARS TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT SO EXCITED

man, not too bad

Prom was about as good as I expected it to be, which was pretty good but not the most utterly magical and emotional experience of my life. I will say, also, before I write about it in detail, that I won a hundred bucks at the end of it, thus covering more than the whole of my gross expenditures.

After hearing of the lamentations of all, I am truly glad my prom group was not one of legendary extravagance. I just don't have the kind of cash flow to be blowing weeks of drudgery in the sun on formal attire and crowded limousines (I'd like to eat on weekends when I'm in college), and I am truly happy that I was not forced to suffer a veritable militia of parents with cameras. Todd's mom took a few pictures, my mom took a few, and Julia's dad got us on the way to the car. I won't hide the fact that I regret a bit not going all out in order to have a(n) (official) date whom I ended up having a really nice time with at the dance--Allison (thanks for the dance, and I hope I provided at least some relief from all the stress)--and moreover that I sort of just rejected her on the grounds of my large-party-paranoia--but overall, I am terribly thankful to my two friends and their casual attitudes towards the evening. No, I mean it. Thank you, Julia and Todd.

Much of prom is spent socializing contentedly, taking pictures for/with people and lounging about in order to look suave with your peers (at least this was my experience, not being one of the hip hop groove fiends the hilariously caucasian student body at Klein is made up of). I did win a few dances, however, despite my mortally crippled rhythmic ability. Chocolate-covered strawberries, too. I found the event most agreeable, especially since nobody seemed to notice how I truly winged it by wearing my choir uniform. Everyone looked so beautiful, though. I would also have to say, of course, that my last-last-minute date was paralyzingly gorgeous.

I changed into some gothtastic pants and my skinny puppy shirt on the way to Julia's house/APE and proceeded to play blackjack and mumble with my equally delirious peers until 6:30 in the morning. That part was nice, because I was not wearing tight wool pants. Also, as mentioned before, I managed to win a hundred bucks in the raffle at the end of the night (the first of maybe 150 winners of them, the APE committee had a freakin lot of money this year). Another dance is this Friday and it'll be toned down some, of course. I have to think of something to say for my little senior farewell speech to choir.

I skipped today anyway. Screw finals. I honestly don't mind and know with all certainty that I can pass, which is really all I need. I've got money, college acceptance, a meal plan--a new damn towel that I can take with me. I just need that diploma to get out of here. The day at Kathy's was worth it anyway. I've never seen The Shining and thanks to Julia I've not been so relaxed since I started working for money.

Hey kids--I've got the cash I need for college. Approved for loans today, and I'll be in the Burgh early July. This is kicking some ass right now.

I'm a gym rat

I feel great. I know I sound like a former Boy Scout when I say this, but I really value physical strength; I think it plays a role, symbolically as well as literally, in strengthening you mentally. Being able to push yourself physically every day, to focus on your goals instead of the number of pounds you're pushing away from yourself, can influence your power of will. First, mind over matter, and then mind over life. If you feel strong in muscle and mind, it's like nothing can stand in your way, and no setback can knock you off your feet.

oh emm gee kids, prom is saturday

Recent accomplishments:

I made a blackberry cheesecake yesterday that's like sex on wheels with blackberry sauce.
Finally finished the Goddamn FAFSA, stupid taxes and laziness.
Went to a synagogue.
Leg-pressed 700 pounds tonight.
Saw Sin City. V. good.
Stealthily ate sandwich during pop show rehearsal.
Paid for another month at the gym.
Complimented on saying "this is for all the ladies" Barry White style in front of massive portion of student body.

That was the best damn piece of pie I've ever eaten. The only thing I need to work on isn't the pie's flavor, but it's consistency. I'll use more flour or something.

But seriously, if Christ the Saviour got lost on the way down and accidentally condescended into my convection oven, I am convinced my pie would taste better.

Tonight I have conquered an ancient demon. No longer are my pies ecstatically delicious ugly wrecks. I have made an accomplishment tonight which I believe to be one of the fundamental crossovers from industrial and repetitive labor to art. My pie crust is perfection. It was not, this evening, the crumbly bastard child of flour and Crisco--it was the heir to a throne, a creation so masterfully shaped by my imagination that it wanted to bend to my will, stretching (not tearing apart and blending hopelessly with tears and sweat) across my pie dish like some kind of greasy blanket of joy.

it's tea time again, folks

Tonight I made a really nice roasted cauliflower dish with paprika and tarragon.

Tomorrow's the blood drive. There are few things I would not do to get out of class, and letting people take my red blood cells and then shoot plasma back into my veins is not one of them. I'll be prepared this time with very warm clothing, too--having less blood makes you really, really freakin cold, and KHS is run by arctic snow rangers as it is. I had to sit in the sun and thaw out today after the senior meeting.

~shawn has a scary cat
he is made of knives
it's kind of fat
it doesn't smell like chives

are you a poetic? no. I am suddenly retarded and cannot help you do your English homework.

Oh my god, green tea tastes really good. Tea time is around 10:30 for me most nights. I get home from work or the gym, take a really refreshing shower, and sit down with really, really hot tea to listen to music and maybe talk to people. It is the most gratifying part of the day because I know that once I finish the tea, I will rest, and that will feel good. There is no need to worry about the next day or the next ten years, or to even think about the shit that happened in the hours prior to my tea.

I'm working a lot, makin the bucks. I am fairly certain that if you shot the bottoms of my feet with a high-powered handgun, red-hot lead capsules would simply stick for a second and drop to the ground harmlessly, as if making contact with some kind of rubber armor plating.

I really cannot believe it's almost here. A tangible end to such an utter waste of my time. I'm finding excuse after excuse to get out of the flourescent stagnicity of class. There's a senior meeting tomorrow. I'm giving blood Wednesday. I'm not sure what time it is exactly, but chamber choir is singing Friday. I'm late to all my classes. Come to think of it, there are at least three classes that I have not been on time to the entire fucking year. If teachers really counted tardies I would have more of them than... tardy Jesus.

~we've got a war to fight

GANBATTE~~~

I worked from noon to eight yesterday and today in choir we started learning choreography for our dumb pop music. Luckily, the motions this year seem like something our director's wife thought up on the way to the school; we do maybe three different things during a three-minute song. I think I can deal with that.

I have to go finish working in Spring Creek Oaks. I've got a few streets left. Then tomorrow I can start on my neighborhood, and once that's done I can do Oakwood Glen. It's going to be hard, but I'll do my best and never give up!

Sorry, I just watched the Naruto movie.